27A: THAT FUCKING OUROBOROS
"The alchemists, who in their own way knew more about the nature of the individuation process than we moderns do, expressed this paradox through the symbol of the Ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness. In the age-old image of the Ouroboros lies the thought of devouring oneself and turning oneself into a circulatory process….The Ouroboros is a dramatic symbol for the integration and assimilation of the opposite, i.e. of the shadow…."
‘Collected Works,’ vol. 14
Watching beautiful blond Jack fucking me hard and fast and deep I had the sense for just a moment that I was watching myself fucking Jack and for that split second I experienced the fucking through the head of my cock instead of the muscles of my anal canal…
…and I heard myself strangely crying out “Ouroboros! Ouroboros!” as my cum erupted from my cock…
"Hey, bro," Jack asked as we were getting dressed, both of us freeballing in jeans, "you were yelling something weird when you busted your nut…maybe ‘uro’ or something like that, ‘niro’…what the fuck was that?"
"Kinda strange," I said, "Ouroboros. I’ll tell you what I can while we walk." We grabbed some more coffee and our jackets and went out into the brisk, sunny morning to walk the property. I hadn’t been up to the cabin since the early summer and I wanted to reconnect.
"You know how when we’re doing a TFI, sometimes you get so into ‘playing’ me that you think you are me?" I asked. "Or I feel like I actually am ‘Jack’ when I’m pretending to be you? Well, it was kind of like that feeling, but on steroids. While you were railing me a few minutes ago," I said, "for just a couple of seconds I felt like I was you—"
"Lucky bastard," Jack laughed.
"Indeed," I said. "It was almost like an out of body experience…like I was watching myself fucking you in the ass…and I felt in my cock - just before I came - what you were feeling with your cock at that same moment."
"Do do do do do do do do do do do do," Jack hummed.
"Right," I said, "it was some real ‘Twilight Zone’ shit. And it happened again when you busted your nut…it felt like I was having a second orgasm. Fucking amazing."
"And that’s ‘uro…’?" Jack asked.
"Ouroboros. Not exactly. Ouroboros is a really old symbol, a snake swallowing its own tail, making a circle, goes back thousands of years and it shows up in a bunch of cultures. I sure as hell wasn’t thinking about that - not consciously anyway - while you were pile-driving my ass…but John mentioned ‘ouroboros’ once when I was telling him about my fixation, obsession with sucking your cock."
"Obsession is a good word," Jack said.
"An accurate one anyway," I laughed. "John’s a psych major, you know. And when I told him that sometimes I felt like blowing you would be like sucking my own cock, he said I was trying to enact, or to re-enact, ‘ouroboros."
"Bro, if you’re into auto-fellatio you oughta try yoga," Jack said, "works like a dream."
"You can suck your own cock?" I asked in disbelief. "No fucking shit?"
"Hope to die," Jack said, "why the fuck else would I be doing yoga?"
"I want to see that, I mean like right now," I said. "That’s some real ouroboros shit…you swallowing your own snake."
"I’d show you, Joe, but you might get jealous watching another guy blowing me," Jack laughed.
"Nah, not watching you do you…I can’t think of any hotter spectator sport than watching that," I said. "But watching John blow you…not so sure about that."
"Visualize it this way," Jack said as we walked down a wooded hillside toward the smaller of the two lakes, "say I’m lying on the floor, boner up…now picture Tex on his hands and knees, taking my cock into his mouth, his ass raised up in the air…then picture yourself fucking that ass."
I laughed at that mental image. “Yeah, when I look at it like that,” I said, “I’m OK with John blowing you.”
"Here’s one more," Jack said. "Let’s say you’re a little concerned by the idea of me fucking Tex. We’re on the king bed in the master and I’m fucking Tex…he’s on his side, same position I felt him fucking you in late Tuesday night, right?"
"Right," I said.
"OK," Jack continued, "now put yourself behind me…shove your cock into my ass, hard, fuck me just like I’m fucking Tex, and you’ve got yourself a nice Jack sandwich."
"Yep, you go right ahead and fuck Tex…I’ve got your back." We both had a good laugh. I recalled the memory I had locked away of seeing and feeling myself fucking Jack while he had been plowing me that morning. Neither of us could articulate exactly what Jack did with his pelvis and cock that made getting fucked by him such a singular experience, but I had an idea that I could summon that locked-away memory and fuck him exactly the same way he had fucked me.
"I’m going to want to practice fucking your sweet peach of an ass before we leave the cabin this afternoon," I said.
"By all means," Jack said. "Before or after I suck my own cock…for you?"
"How about during?" I asked.
"Let me think about how we do that," Jack said, "but you might have just hit on the next best thing to being able to fuck each other at the same time."
"Ouroboros," I said as we walked out onto the dock, "just to complete that thought, John told me that Jung identified the ouroboros as an archetype for wholeness or infinity. John thinks that me wanting to blow my identical twin is wrapped up in all of that somehow. When you texted me that you’d seen yourself fucking me in the ass and that it ‘completed’ you - that time you made me cry in the library - I thought of ‘ouroboros.’ And you sure as fuck completed me last night and this morning." I pulled Jack’s head closer and kissed him on the lips, and he responded by opening his mouth to mine.
"The great thing about being ‘completed,’" Jack said when our mouths parted, "is you can always be ‘completed’ again…and you can never be ‘completed’ enough."
"By the way, I’m thinking about doing a very scaled back TFI tonight - technically I guess it wouldn’t be a real TFI, no weaponized dicks - really just an impersonation with Mary’s kiss and the midpoint costume change, you know, just to keep our hand in the game, stay sharp," I told Jack.
"Then we better leave here in time to get matching haircuts before we go home," he replied.
"Let’s walk over to the other lake," I said, "while you tell me about Scott." I knew it would be easier for Jack to tell a painful and probably still embarrassing story if we were moving and he wasn’t looking at me while we talked.
"Sure," Jack said, "what do you want to know?" We started walking along a path that followed the shoreline of the smaller lake for about a quarter of the way around it, where we’d take another path that branched to the left and skirted the base of the hill we’d come down a few minutes earlier. Once we rounded the hill we’d cut across a meadow, cross a small wooded valley and stream, and then climb up the back of the big lake’s dam.
"I think I pretty well know what happened, Jack. I also think you may need to tell me more than I need to hear it."
"I do," he agreed, "because you figure into in a way."
That was news to me. I recalled the time Scott had taken me ‘fishing,’ when I was nearly 15, and after I had had my first lessons in cocksucking that day, Scott had asked me to take off the rest my clothes and jack off on him. I had had the strange feeling then that he had done that before with Jack. But when I asked Scott if he had been with Jack before he had said, ‘I fucking wish…if Jack’s cock is a twin of yours, as I have reason to believe, I’d love to be with him just like I’m loving being with you. But, no, Joe, you’re the only cousin I’ve ever seduced…so far.’ I asked Jack when Scott had forced himself on him.
"It was in the fall when we were thirteen, not quite thirteen and a half," Jack said - and then the story poured out of him. "We were still pretty scrawny, if you can think back to the start of 8th grade. Scott was sixteen…I don’t know if you remember that time we were gonna go with Scott to an upper school football game in Meridian, but you got sick and couldn’t go. Mom wasn’t keen about us going out of town with high school guys but, you know, since it was Scott, she gave in…"
"I do remember. I was so pissed that you got to go without me. And you got into a fight after the game." I said.
"It wasn’t a fight, that was my cover story - and don’t be pissed. If you had come, it probably would’ve happened to both of us. There were three of them…Scott and two of his public school buddies. I didn’t know them before that night. I know their names, at one point I knew where they lived…later on, I used to drive by their houses…I don’t really know why…I just wanted to kind of keep tabs on them, I guess. Both of these guys were bigger than Scott, and he was a good bit bigger than me.
"So they had been drinking at the game and they were drinking beer on the way back. They tried to get me to drink some, too, but I didn’t. They were talking a lot of smack, mostly about masturbating. And then Scott asked me if had started jacking off yet. I didn’t know what to say, and he’s like, ‘I’ll tell you a little secret, bub, everybody jacks off but nobody admits it. But my buds and I not only admit it, we jack off together all the fucking time. So you can tell your cousin Scott your not-so-dirty little secret.’ I told them I never had, although I had jacked off a few times by then, and then they were all for a big jerk off session, they were going to show me how to beat my meat, etc. I was nervous about that but I already knew I was attracted to guys, and the idea of watching three big high schoolers wank seemed pretty hot.
"The guy next to me on the back seat, Steve, he puts his hand on my crotch and then announces to everybody that I’ve got a boner. He tells me not to be embarrassed because he’s got wood, too. He unzipped his fly and pulls his dick out…it was dark and I couldn’t really see anything but he took my hand and put it around his hard cock…I just held it and he puts his hand around mine and starts stroking with my hand. The guy in the passenger seat, Bill, is looking over into the back seat and narrating everything for Scott, who gets all excited and says, ‘I’m gonna fucking stop." He gets off the highway near Roosevelt State Park and drives somewhere near the park, maybe in it, I dunno, but we were way out in the country when he finally stopped on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.
"We all pile out of the car and Scott and his friends dropped trou right away and they all start playing with their dicks to get hard and then they’re jacking their cocks, telling me to join in. I loved seeing that, and said ‘what the fuck’ and dropped my pants, too. One of those guys wolf-whistles and pulls up my shirt, and they all start saying hot shit about my cock, you can imagine. I’m going to skip the rest of the preliminaries, OK?"
"Sure," I said, "just tell me whatever you want to."
"Pretty soon, Scott tells me to suck his dick. I tell him no and he tells me I can suck his dick the easy way or the hard way, but that I AM going to suck his dick. I tell him to go fuck himself and he punches me in the stomach. Next thing I know I’m on my knees in the dirt and Scott’s buds are holding me, one I either side. Scott tells me to open my mouth and that if I bite him they’re all going to fuck me in the ass. Scott fucks my mouth, holding my head by the hair, and I’m gagging on his cock and think I’m going to fucking drown standing in the middle of a gravel road when he comes down my throat. They took turns, all of them fucked my face, hard, and I gagged on everyone of them. I thought I was going to drown three times.
"I think that’s enough," Jack said, turning around to face me on the top of the dam, and we both saw the tears streaming down each other’s faces. "Except for this, Joe. Scott told me that if I told anyone what they’d done, they’d be back for you and they’d all fuck you in the ass…and I was a dumb kid, I believed him."
"Oh Jack," I said, as I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him to me. "Oh Jack, I’m so sorry." Then I had another thought that nearly made me sick. "Jesus Christ, Jack…and then later you had to see me with him, or going to him anyway, and then telling you about it…I feel sick about that…"
"Joe, that was my fault, not yours…I let you go with him and never warned you…I told myself you were bigger and could take care of yourself…but, fuck, fuck, fuck…that was so wrong and…and I’m sor—"
I held Jack tight as he sobbed into my shoulder and I cried with him. “Jack, you’ve always been my hero,” I whispered, “and never more than now.” As we cried together I thought back on the ‘horrible’ story Jack had told me the night before about how he had grudge-fucked Scott in the ass while he was pretending to be me playing knob-in-the-hole…and I started to laugh, God help me, but I was laughing my ass off. Jack’s story didn’t seem so bad to me then…honestly, it felt just about…perfect.
'A couple of fresh matching haircuts,' I thought, 'could make it a little more perfect.'
My laughter eventually ended Jack’s tears and we both pulled ourselves together, more or less. “So what was so fucking funny about me getting fucked in the mouth by three perverts?” Jack finally demanded as we picked ourselves up off the dam.
“‘Mistah Kurtz - he dead,’” I said, winking at Jack.
Jeanne Crain, 1950s © Peter Basch.
Who knew booze up the hooha could feel weird?